Navigating Relationships, Support Systems, and Self-Compassion

Since my last post, maybe you might have started to pay a little bit of closer attention to your triggers, what they are and how you respond to them.. So I would like to move you to the next logical point of focus: who is around you when these things happen?

Triggers don't take place in a vacuum. It's easy to pay attention to the feeling of being triggered and (not so easy) to deal with it in your own time when you're alone. But you're not always going to be alone. A lot of times, you're going to be around family, friends, colleagues, or a partner. Some may intend to support you, some may intend to harm you, some may simply not know, and some may simply not care. Regardless of their intention towards and investment in your mental health, your emotional response has the power to make or break relationships in the long run.

I'm going to now share with you two short real-life examples of navigating relationships through the different stages in the process of trauma recovery. Remember to note that these stories may either seem relatable to you, or they may seem completely alien.. They all take place on different points on the spectrum of healing and have different personal and cultural values affecting the way they play out..

The unhealed wounds

He was starting to reach the end of his 20s and couldn't take the uncertainty any longer.. His girlfriend of 3 years was still finding her footing in her career journey and unwilling to take the next big step just yet.

"I'm just asking you for a little more time, that's all.. I'm not saying I don't see a future with you or that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you.. I just don't want this big, permanent change in our lives to feel like it's part of a snowball effect.. like i found a career path and jumped into the marriage to just check off the bucket list of settling down." She started to get visibly uncomfortable having this conversation for the second time this month.

It didn't translate well in his mind. That sounds like a rather well-rehearsed excuse.. The last time my ex and I had such a conversation, her best friend had been filling her ears the whole time about how she can do better than me.. And the girl before that cheated on me with my own friend from school.. What did she mean by "jumping in"? We've been together for 3 years now! Is there someone else? Or does she think someone better will come into the picture if she waits longer?

"I just don't understand what you want! We're together, we're happy, it's the next logical thing for us to do and there's nothing stopping us, but you keep coming up with all these excuses to not commit. I'm starting to think we have a problem, because you don't seem to want this as much as I do. And if that's the case then I just don't know what we're doing here." He said this with a nonchalant look on his face even though the insecurity was wearing him down.

His triggers were clear and his emotional response came from a place of hurt and past betrayal. He projected his trauma onto his partner because he still hadn't recognized that they were holding him back, or that he even had a trauma to recover from.

A good, loving relationship is an important support system that some of us have access to, and an understanding partner can go a long way in helping you tame your inner voices through patience and reassurance. But they can only help you move ahead in the journey if you decide to start it in the first place.

The Reluctant Daughter

It had been 10 years since she last opened up to her parents about her life. A child of psychological abuse and neglect, she had a lot more to recover from than anyone she knew of her own age, and she took that process of recovery seriously.

Her night table was full of self-help books, her friends were few but good. She led a simple life, and had very little contact with family in her daily life, but she believed it was for the best.

One evening on her way back home from work, she receives a phone call from her mother.

"Your cousin's throwing a party for everyone in the family, it's been 5 years since she started her own business. A lot of people called to ask me if you'll be attending. So, what illness do you have this time?" She felt rage swell up inside her at every word her mother said after that. She tuned everything out and started thinking to herself.. Why do you let this keep happening to yourself? You really just are an ungrateful brat, aren't you? Of course you are.. do you think starving or homeless kids grow up to have everything like you do and live like you do? "Ooh, mommy didn't love me", grow up and act like an adult for once in your life!

She finds herself immediately taking a detour to stop at a friend's house instead of going back to her empty apartment because she heard her body's need for comfort. Breaking down into tears the second they sat together and her friend held her hand, she said, "I just don't know what will it take to get over this, you know? I make all this progress everyday and I start to feel it all slipping away from me the second I hear their voice again.. Am I really a lost cause?"

No matter where you reach in your journey, or what point of the spectrum you fall on.. the progress will not get easier until you learn to show yourself the compassion and love you show the people you care about. It's important to recognize that the inner voices you have sometimes, the ones that discourage you and put you down.. They're not your own.

A lot of us grow up around individuals who don't approve of some aspects of us, and as an impressionable child, their voices and their words stick with us, and eventually become a part of our own inner dialogue. Even when you learn how to cope with your emotional responses, and even when you have good friends that motivate you to keep moving forward, it's the love and acceptance that you show yourself for having these responses that are going to fuel the rest of your healing journey.

If these stories provided clarity on the explored topics, take a moment to reflect on how these factors manifest in your own life. Identify those who support or hinder you, and consider whether you speak to yourself as a friend or as a critic.

Stay tuned to Reclaiming My Voice for continued insights on the journey to self-recovery. Feel free to share this post with anyone you believe will benefit from learning more about self-compassion and healing.